[P BEEZY]

I can’t resist season preview magazines. NBA, NFL, college, MLB, I’m a sucker for those thick annual issues that I’ll pore through in a couple of sittings before the season, then rarely open during the season. (Speaking of, keep an eye out for Dime #53, our NBA/college/high school preview issue.)

Every few years, one of the preview mags will do a feature where they create the “perfect” player for their sport, Dr. Frankenstein-style. You’ve seen it before: e.g., Chris Paul’s eyes (for passing), Barbosa’s legs (for speed), Ray Allen’s arms (for shooting), Duncan’s feet (for fundamentals), and so on.

But what about going the other way? Which parts would form together to make up the most annoying NBA player ever?

* Kendrick Perkins’ face — What are you so mad about? I understand the whole thing with having your game-face and trying to look intimidating, and I know you’ve been hanging with KG lately, but there’s a point when you go overboard and it borders on comical. The only time Perk drops the mean-mug is when he gets called for a foul, then it turns into a world-class whiny face. (Runner-up votes for Kobe Bryant, Oleksiy Pecherov, and Stephen Jackson.)

* Manu Ginobili’s hair — I can tell every time my boy Jed is watching a Spurs game, because he never fails to send an e-mail about Manu’s bald spot. I used to think the spot was overrated, but watching Spurs/Bulls last week … I mean, damn. Remember when the NHL had the glowing puck on TV to help novice hockey fans keep up with the game? That’s what Manu’s head looks like now. (Runner-up votes for Brian Skinner, Birdman, and Rasheed Wallace.)

* Dwight Howard’s build — In the words of Kevin Hart, “Dude, why are you still [in the gym]? That’s it; you won!” Chalk this up to annoyance-via-envy. (Runner-up votes for Alexis Ajinca, Jerome James, and Brian Scalabrine.)

* Brad Miller’s tattoos — Forget the tat on his left bicep with the old AND 1 logo guy and some Chinese lettering next to it. Forget the sun on his right shoulder and whatever he has on his left forearm and his chest. Miller has a tat on his right bicep of Scrappy-Doo. I hated Scrappy-Doo when I was a kid. (Runner-up votes for DeShawn Stevenson, Birdman, and Tim Duncan.)

* Joakim Noah’s jump shot — It’s always funny when Noah misses one of his broke-down J’s and the announcers are just silent for a few seconds. What else can you say? And Noah had the nerve to do the “You can’t see me” thing after hitting a jumper the other night? (Runner-up vote for Shawn Marion.)

* Zach Randolph’s handle — Z-Bo might be my favorite player in the League, but even I cringe sometimes when he tries to show off his Iverson game. He always looks like he’s one flinch away from creating a turnover. (Runner-up vote for Anderson Varejao.)
Weak

Weak

* Dunks like Jamaal Magloire — I’m 5-foot-8. All I want to do is be able to dunk one time. Then I see this 6-11 dude wasting his gift with that stupid hide-your-eyes dunk that makes me want to hide my eyes. You ain’t Dee Brown. You ain’t even Cedric Ceballos. (Runner-up vote for Brendan Haywood and his Sharapova grunts.)

* Runs like Adam Morrison — My Dad is 49 years old, 5-3 and 200-plus pounds, goes to a chiropractor twice a week, and recently found out he has damaged meniscus in his right knee. And he still runs more smoothly than Morrison.

* J.R. Smith’s swagger — I like the Nuggets, so I don’t mind it when J.R. is dropping 30-footers at the end of a blowout, slapping his defender on the *** after scoring on him, or wearing that ****-eating grin on his face after dunking on somebody. But I can understand how if you didn’t like the Nuggets, you’d want to reach through the TV and punch him. (Runner-up votes for Eddie House, Kobe Bryant, and Paul Pierce.)

* Talks like Tommy Heinsohn — His team NEVER commits a foul, they ALWAYS get jobbed by the refs, and they NEVER lose games on their own. I’ve had to turn away from some good Celtics’ games because I just couldn’t listen to Heinsohn anymore. (Runner-up votes for Brian Scalabrine, Phil Jackson, and Bill Walton.)

* Random mannerisms and idiosyncrasies — Steve Nash’s playing with the hair, LeBron’s holding the face and rolling around after a foul, Marc Gasol’s pocket pool at the free-throw line, and Reggie Evans’ pocket pool in other people’s pockets.

* And of course, the most annoying NBA player ever created would be a proud graduate of Duke University.

http://dimemag.com/2009/11/the-most-...-ever-created/

[adyhoops]

Lol funny thread... here's what mine would be

-Sam Cassel's face - ET nuff said
-Kevin Durant arms - Suuper long
-Ben Wallace hair (afro)
-Kwame Brown hands - don't pass to this guy ok..
-Chuck Hayes FT - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wQq9YWZ568] no further explanation needed
-Kobe's shoot first shoot second pass third attitude
-Kevin Martin's Jumpshot
-Kenyon Martin's Tattoo- the one with the big lip on the side of his neck lol
-Nate Robinson's height but with no athletic ability

[gsw415]

When Lebron james was born, the most annoying nba player was created

/thread

[oldskool716]

all of those things still wouldn't be worse than anderson varejao

[RAWxTAL3NT]

Originally Posted by gsw415

When Lebron james was born, the most annoying nba player was created

/thread

hahaha agreed

[Ken North]

What's with the Lebron hate really? I understand that if you're riding Kobe's ****, he must be annoying the **** out of you, but I still don't see where the hate comes from? He's an amazing athlete, he's a great role model for youngsters, he's not a thug, not a smack talking *******, not a dirty player, not a cheater (other than some growth hormones in high school obviously). He's not out ****ing single-digit IQ reality tv stars either.

Anyway, could one of you haters, for example the two of you who spoke up already, explain this to me?

[DetroitBasketball30]

Yeah, I really don't understand it either.

[John John 5]

I too would like to know

[gsw415]

1) hype, media, stern
2) his fans
3) his retarded mannerism
4) his fans
5) media riding his ****
6) his fans
7) his game is about as pretty as maggette's
8) ugly *** jumpshot ****es me off
9) cocky
10) powder thing hyped up by media
11) media, his fans, stern
12) travel travel travel, foul foul foul
13) most protected nba player in history after jordan retired
14) protected on defensive end also (70% of his "blocks" are fouls, he averages 1.5 fpg less than Jordan and Kobe, despite playing as aggressively (and not as skilled) on defensive end.


i'm sure it's not

[Ken North]

So, 1 through 12 = envy and things that don't have anything to do with him?